I’ve learned more about who I am lately, that I always try and ignore absolutely everything negative that I feel, I always expect myself to be so tough, and maintaining balance in my life is not a strength of mine! LITERALLY everything is all or nothing unless I completely don’t care. Which is uncommon for me. I act like I don’t, but 70% of the time I care. No matter what. I am so insanely ambitious that I will make drastic changes in my life to most of the time escape pain. Thankfully, usually the changes are good. Like I start focussing more on God, or I will be kinder, careful to choose joy, etc. I’ve done much better at maintaining a balance, but I’m praying right now for God to help me find more of a balance when it comes to my dedication to certain aspects of my life.
One thing I have learned though, is that whenever you put absolutely all of your effort towards God, he shows you a balance. Everything falls into place. If you are in His word and putting all of your effort in Him, you will start to take care of yourself more, you will help others more, and you will be happier in general because you get closer to Him everyday. Another thing that I have learned is that you will always be at war with yourself, always. It’s part of being a Christian, it’s just part of being a human being on this planet in general. The war that you’re fighting is the war that you have to go through in order to rely fully and completely on God. You can’t battle this war on your own.
What’s the war that you’re battling everyday? What fears are you conquering everyday? What fears are you letting take over your life?
I’m not a worrier by nature. Yes, I worry about what other people think of me, but naturally it’s not on my mind, I only notice whenever someone brings it to my attention. Although, whenever it’s brought to my attention I obsess. My battle is with the my own doubts and the doubts of people who are close to me. I get very discouraged whenever people doubt me. I also struggle with depending on other people to make me fulfilled instead of depending on God. That’s why relationships are so hard for me, because I expect way too much out of them. I’m looking for something that only God can give me. I’m afraid of commitment, of emotional attachment, I’m so afraid of depending on other people, and honestly I really don’t like it when other people depend on me.
These fears hold me back, fear of commitment keeps me from committing to sports, relationships, projects, etc. Fear of vulnerability keeps me from taking a lot of chances when it comes to sports and relationships. I never want to be seen as weak, by ANYONE.
...anddd that brings us into, PRIDE.
I am probably a very good definition of the word prideful. I will hardly ***EVER*** ask for help, I always want to do everything on my own. I’m not really very good at realizing when I’m wrong and that just because I feel something it’s not always reliable, etc. Pride holds me back from sports, God, maintaining relationships, maintaining friendships, apologizing to people I care about even when I think I’m right, successfully accomplishing with the help from others. Pride has held me back for a long, long time. Sometimes I confuse pride for insecurity, but really it’s just pride, purely pride.
People in my family are extremely prideful, so it’s not a shock that it runs in my blood too. Although, when I was younger I never really saw pride as a bad thing. I’ve learned that pride will keep you from living your life to your fullest, it will keep you from surrendering your heart from God. Trust in God is the key to happiness, so if you don’t trust God then chances are you won’t be happy.
For the longest time I wondered what it was that I needed to do in order to win God over so that he would listen to me/be there for me. But then I realized that it doesn’t matter what good or bad that I do, God still sees me the same. He still treats me the same, and he still is the same. God isn’t my parents, the way he treats me doesn’t change based off of the good or bad that I do. The only thing keeping me from him is me and my stubborn pride.
My war is with my pride. What’s your war?