craving freedom + thrill seeking

Hey, it’s me. I’ve learned A LOT, so far this year. I’ve learned a lot about life, and a lot about myself. I am a very spontaneous, in-the-moment, thrill-seeking person. this can be good, if you surround yourself with and do good things. Although, sometimes I find myself searching for that in the WRONG things. Seek thrill in God, not boys, not being immodest, and not doing negative things that are “in”.

Sometimes we feel like when we make mistakes that it’s the end of the world. I know I do. Just keep in mind that dwelling over your mistakes aren’t going to make you do any better. Just try and do better next time. Yes, it can be really hard. for me, whenever I get in certain situations, I completely forget everything that I’m putting on the line. I would throw my integrity out the window, all because of in-the-moment thinking. Sometimes even if I do remember, I still just want to do what I want and or “have fun”. It is so hard for me to think into the future and realize all of the potential consequences to my decisions before making them. Sometimes I don’t even make bad decisions because of the “adrenaline rush”, or the in-the-moment thinking. Sometimes it’s just because I feel numb and I want to feel something. My problem is that I do those things to cover up my own inner pain. Sometimes I feel so much self-inflicted pressure to prove myself to my parents or other people that I put myself in a really bad place, sometimes I just want to let go and be free.

Seeking freedom can go in the wrong direction as I have found. Freedom is only attained through Christ, though it may feel the opposite. The world is what traps you in a box. I’m on my own journey to find freedom through Christ. I may “know” the truth, but I haven’t found it yet. I’m looking, and I’ll keep looking until I find it. I have found that I feel such an intense need for freedom, and it’s really hard to feel that freedom as a teenager living under your parents’ roof. It’s really hard for me to thrive and be who I need to be whenever I feel trapped, it puts me in a horrible place mentally.

The bible does say that God doesn’t hear your cry whenever you have sin separating the two of you, but God does say to come as you are. If you’re broken, empty, a mess, whatever it is, come as you are. I forget that a lot, I always feel like I have to fix myself before I ask for God. I feel like in a way, I’ve been incorrectly taught that too.

Another thing is don’t change your ways just because you feel that others are judging you. Change your ways because you know that it would be better for you. I have sort of been taught to worry about how others perceive you, if it wasn’t for my intense need for freedom and being true to myself then I would’ve conformed to this belief. I believe that God put me on this earth to show others that you can show God’s love through being yourself and through your own talents. Not through following a rulebook.

Look, God knew where you would be right now in your life when he made you. God doesn’t want us to feel trapped or like we have to be a certain way. Sometimes we forget that God loves variety and we were made a certain way for reason. He knew all the mistakes you would make. It’s all a part of his plan, just let him do him, so you can do the best you. God CREATED all of your weak personality traits, you’re that way for a reason. so please don’t beat yourself up about it, or let anyone else undermine you for it. once you truly learn that, you’ll know real freedom.